(JEZEBEL) – Tracie Egan Morrissey
A new study reveals 92% of women regularly take time out to masturbate, a huge jump from the findings of previous studies (74% in 1979 and 62% in 1953).
The Gossard Big M Survey interviewed 1,000 women, ages 18-30, and their answers indicate that not only do 9 out of 10 women play with themselves, two-thirds do it three times a week. The study refers to these as “sessions,” which we can assume doesn’t refer to the number of orgasms achieved, but rather, the time spent achieving them. ‘Cause you know that if you have one, you stick around for more. Orgasms from masturbating are like Payless shoes: Once you get the first pair, you get the second for next to nothing.
Going just from the published findings of this survey, it’s impossible to determine, on average, what percentage of the week is spent flying solo. So maybe we can make this a group effort? I’ll start off:
- I masturbate, on average, 5 days a week.
– Each “session” lasts for about 12 minutes, with a minimum of 3 orgasms a session, and a max of 13. (I don’t know if these means I’m really good at it, or really bad.)
– I sleep, on average, about 6 hours a night, so I’m deducting that from my “week.”
Variables:
– I work from home, so I have more opportunities to masturbate on a whim than most women.
– I use a Hitachi Magic Wand, which is indeed magical, so the act is easier. However, I also make up for time saved by being greedy with as many orgasms as possible.
So, if my math is correct, then:
7,080 minutes of my week, I am awake.
60 minutes are spent masturbating.
Which means:
.84% of my week is spent masturbating.
But also, of the days I masturbate:
1,080 minutes of my day are spent awake.
12 minutes are spent masturbating.
Which means:
1.1% of my day is spent masturbating.
Holy queef farts…. Please tell me that all women are like Tracie. Averages 5 days a week? Are you shitting me? That’s literally less than what I average (shocking, I know). Minimum of 3 orgasms per session and a maximum of 13? How the hell is that even humanly possible? If guys were able to achieve the same amount of orgasms per “session,” I can promise you that none of us would ever leave our room, except to eat and poop. Period. Unless it were possible for guys to do it as discretely as I think it is for women. Then I would seriously masturbate anywhere and everywhere….while I’m driving, during class, at the bar, at the rink, when I’m sleeping, when I wake up, while eating breakfast, during sex, etc…
I will never look at a girl the same after looking at these ‘facts’… every time I see one of my girl friends now I am going to wonder if she just got done masturbating… and judging from these stats, odds are pretty good that she probably has.
If 92% of women actually admitted to masturbating on a regular basis, I’m sure that means that actually 99% of chicks definitely do. Which means that 7% felt weird or awkward responding honestly to this anonymous survey and 1% for the disabled
PS – Girls would be 1,000 times cooler if they were as open and honest about this type of shit as guys are…. but then again when you think about it, i guess some girls are…. and we have a very special name for them, its “slut” … which prolly explains why girls keep this type of shit private 
-kinger
