Pucking Sports

(FOX NEWS) A high school classmate of Minnesota Twins pitcher Carl Pavano threatened to reveal an alleged homosexual relationship they had and to write a book about it unless Pavano apologized to him and bought him a navy Range Rover SUV with tan leather, according to a search warrant affidavit filed by police in Connecticut. Police in Pavano’s hometown of Southington, about 18 miles southwest of Hartford, said in the affidavit that they began investigating the allegations after Pavano’s sister, Michelle DeGennaro, complained in December that she had received several troublesome Facebook messages from the classmate, Christian Bedard. DeGennaro told police that Bedard made up a bogus story about having a relationship with her brother in an attempt to extort her family. Officers executed the search warrant at Bedard’s home on March 21 and seized items, but wouldn’t say what they were. Bedard said on his Facebook page that police took his laptop computer, material relating to his relationship with Pavano and the book he was writing. Bedard hasn’t been charged. The search warrant affidavit, first reported by the Record-Journal of Meriden, includes copies of several Facebook messages Bedard allegedly sent to DeGennaro. In the messages, Bedard said Pavano was his “first love” and they had a three-year relationship when they were teenagers growing up in Southington, the affidavit says.

“I have serious juicy book offers … to the point that the only way your brother is getting out of this … is with a heartfelt apology and a navy range rover with tan leather,” Bedard allegedly wrote to DeGennaro, according to police. “If I’m going to drop a 1.2 million dollar book deal I want something. That is my best offer an apology and a land rover and I’ll kill the project,” Bedard wrote referring to the book deal, according to the affidavit. Bedard told The Associated Press in a statement that he wanted an apology because of how Pavano treated him at the end of their relationship.

Here are some of the messages that Bedard sent to Pavano’s sister, DeGennaro:

“You people are in such denial…when we were 17…we came to a party at your house in new britain…you called your mom who called my mom….who said we had too much…so ya he stopped talking to me when I was 14…the truth is the truth….can’t sue me for that… going to come up with another lie to cover the one you just told???? this book was written for me to find closure in my Iife…I apologise for calling you fat….I know you always had an issue with your weight….and for me to say that was just rude…I just want closure in my life and that’s only going to come from your brother….you can all dance around it….maybe I was the only guy?…whatever…… I don’t care about money….not rich…not poor… I have two beautiful nieces who keep me in check…especially about every princess dress ever made, because uncle christian has bought them all….whats rough is he was my first love…and it was a three yr relationship…obviously underground…. people have told me let it go…things can happen in your life that affect you for the rest of it….I wish this had happened with joe the plumber…some no name…I’m not gaining at all…ya I have serious juicy book offers…to the point that the only way your brother is getting out of this…is with a heart felt apology and a navy range rover with tan leather…if I’m going to drop a 1.2 million dollar book deal I want something…”

“lol…the funny part is I expected your nasty messages…I wouldn’t expect anything less from a group of racist homophobes…you brother can deny it to then end… that’s exactly what I expected, I have more than enough witnesses and proof…and in the end he’s just going to look like a complete liar when the book comes out in late spring…and in the meantime your all going to be thrown under the bus for being exactly what you people are, racist homophobes….no wonder he wound never come clean about it..like a jew living with a bunch of nazi’s…it’s the 21 century…the general public doesn’t take nice to your type…”

“if your brother is having memory loss…remind him how I would sneaking in the window of what is now your grandmothers apartment every weekend…or better yet the time when I think we were sixteen and went to Atlantic city the day after Christmas because your uncle was painting the condo there…and how we were laughing and psyched when your father told us we can take the bed… ask him what “Big Wheeling and “Sp ing” means…that might jog his memory…”

First question that comes to everyone’s mind: Was Pavano the pitcher or the catcher in the relationship? I’d like to think that he was the catcher more often then not, just to switch things up a bit… I’d also like to say that I am surprised but this really doesn’t come to me as a shocker… when you think of how many male professional athletes there are out there, it’s pretty much guaranteed that a good number have their own similar stories to that of Pavano’s… let’s face it, do you seriously think Pavano is the first gay major leaguer ever? And before anyone says anything, you are all just ssthhooooo wrong about Mike Piazza… and I’m almost positive that there have only been a handful of straight players to ever play in the NBA…

Being openly gay in a major sport just isn’t possible, that may sound ignorant but that’s just the way shit is… when you are paid millions of dollars to play a professional sport, you are also expected to be a role model for younger athletes everywhere by slaying thousands of bitches, not dudes… its in the small writing of every contract. Out of everyone though, I’m also not shocked to hear it’s Pavano… I always knew there was something really fucking gay about him, but I just always assumed it was his fastball. Now, after decades during which gay fans had nothing in the major leagues to call their own, save for perhaps some of the mustaches, Pavano finally gives them someone to root for.

I don’t really give a shit what Pavano does with a baseball bat with his free time… as long as a player goes out there and gets the job done, they can be gayer than a fraternity’s hazing rituals

Can’t wait for all of the homo jokes to unfold this season… “hey who’s on the mound today?” … “the homo”

PS If it were possible for an entire sport to be gay, it would be soccer

PPS Pavano’s mustache used to be cool, now it’s just gay

(is that a corn dog?^^)

A reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan to a pretty girl seeking a rich husband

A young and “pretty” lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I’m going to be honest of what I’m going to say here.

I’m 25 this year. I’m very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I’m greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I’ve dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I’m here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I’ve met a few girls who don’t have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I’m not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you’re trying to do is an exchange of “beauty” and “money” : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there’s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can’t be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It’s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a “trading position”.
If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term – same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or “leased”.

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps.

signed,
J.P. Morgan CEO

I think saying that it is that time of the month for #4 might be a little of an understatement, don’t you? makes me wonder if that chick getting her ass beat had a pack of Skittles with her and she didn’t bring enough to share with everyone

hey ref, that was a Red Card right? I’m pretty sure it had to of been… oh it was? oh ok, thanks… was kind of worried you might have missed that little cheap shot there… thank God for that lady wearing those mom jeans though, eh? #5 is standing there with her finger up her butt watching her teammate getting pummeled and does absolutely nothing about it

PS does anybody think that Spike Lee will tweet the address of #4?

So I’m sitting here at work and I just can’t get over how awesome this job is to have as a college job and especially for the well-being of this site… I work at my college… basically all I do is sit at a brand-spankin-new Apple computer in my own personal room (shared only with one other student worker) and post shit on my site, watch youtube videos, read news stories and listen to Pandora for 6 hours every other day, all while getting paid $10/hour to do so. The only shit I do for work here is cover the reception desk for 20 minutes each day while the receptionist eats her lunch, and that’s only if she doesn’t eat her lunch at her desk. At worst, I might have to make a quick run to the post office for one of the employees which might take about 10 minutes… but I can easily stretch that into an hour by wandering around campus or stopping for lunch… my direct superior actually encourages me to “get outside” as much as possible when I’m at work… basically living without a care right now, shit will eventually shit the fan though when I start my damn internship this summer in June… tryin not to think about the real world

So if you are every wondering how I am able to do so many posts so often… now you know… I guess I could spend a little more time working on homeworkkkkkk………… buttttttttttnofuckthat

This is going to be my “go-to” video any time one of my friends is being a megadoosh saying they are too tired to go out some night … “oh really bro? if tomorrow wasn’t promised what would you give for today? what would you spend today thinkin about, yourself? or the man thats beside you (me)? … we get one chance at life … whatever legacy you gunna leave, leave your legacy … today is a new day, those bitches that saw us at the bar last weekend slappy as fuck? well we gotta go show them I’m a different creature … so lets do what we do. … tonight … and go F some Bs by sticking our Ds in some Vs!!! “

How does this speech compare to that sorority chick trying to give a speech to her hockey team?

PS It’s too bad this awesome speech was wasted on a team playing in the NIT Tournament

(Esquire Magazine) The blowjob has fallen on hard times. Or, to put it in the form of a crude question, who can really get it up for fellatio these days? I recently undertook a small survey of some more mature male friends, and the results, while not unanimous, were overwhelming. To speak plainly, given the choice, eight of the ten men surveyed preferred eating pussy to having their dicks sucked. Or, to put it in entirely numerical terms, 80 percent of males would opt for a 70 rather than a 68. And what about the other two men? Yes, you guessed it: They’re gay! To be strictly accurate, the heterosexual respondents were partial to this kind of thing — but only in the mathematically blissful reciprocity of 70 minus 1. The gob-job continues to thrive in hetero pornography, of course, for the simple — literally obvious — reason that it lends itself to being filmed in a way that cunnilingus cannot.

Congratulations Esquire… you have just written the most retarded story ever to be written in the history of people writing retarded stories… to say that guys prefer eating va-jay-jay over getting a blowjob is like saying a guy would rather eat a heaping bowl of steaming cow dung rather than play 3 straight hours of video games… I honestly can’t believe that this story is a real thing… like there is no doubt in my mind that 100% of men prefer getting a BJ… IDK even know how that question is even up for debate … and if any guy says differently, its official … he is a homo… end of story. Blow jobs are like pizza, there is no such thing as a bad one… some are just better than others

Fact: 100% of the “mature” men this dumbass surveyed are either transgender or homosexual … that has a better chance at being true than the facts claimed in her survey

The only fucking way I will ever go down spelunking on a chick is if all four of the following are true: 1. She pretty much forces my head down like a high school hockey player does to the school slut 2. I am shit hammed drunk 3. Before I carryout the unspeakable act, I am given a blindfold and 4. a clothespin for protection … I might also consider a nice 69 session depending how attractive you are … and again, how drunk I am

The only possible explanation for this malfeasance is that the chick administering the survey was an absolute smokeshow… yeah guys love getting blowjobs, but they love hot chicks even more than theoretical blowjobs and will say anything they think the hot chick wants to hear.  ”Blowjobs over eating pussy?  Never, I worship the vagina, especially yours pretty lady.”

I try not to be that guy that posts his favorite emo music and shit like that… I realize how fucking annoying that shit can get and I’ll be the first to admit that I believe 99% of people out there don’t really give a fuck about the music that other people post on their Facebook/Twitter pages…

But every now and then there is an exception to that rule, and this just so happens to be one of those times… somehow, I just became aware of this jam yesterday, for some reason Eric decided to leave it off of his Chief album, but he has done things like this in the past with tunes like “My Heart’s Got A Memory”, “Faster Than My Angels Can Fly”, and “Leave My Willie Alone” …  it never fails that every single track this guy puts out is pure gold, puuuure gold… what a beauty … #WeFest2012 cant cum quick enough

Ok first off… this reporter chick needs to give the basketball puns a rest… absolutely brutal

“police are calling it a flagrant foul”

“gave each other a full court press”

“both men were in the zone”

“never anticipated there’d be a power forward” - the fuck does this one even mean?

Shhhhhh lady, you’re too cute to talk

PS this blog was an alley-oop

What a way to go out, eh? Know you’re already royally fucked, might as well burst out singing your solo rendition of one of the greatest songs ever made… only thing that would have made this any better would have been if the police officer randomly joined in at some point… somethin you’d see straight out Glee (not that I would know)… gotta give the guy an  A+ for overall performance on this one, may not be the best singer but you could tell her really put his heart and soul into every word… and whats up with the cop being a complete dick head and interupting him at the 8:21 mark… like chill out bro, our guy just hit the best part of the song… you should be thankful you just got 10 minutes of free entertainment… also, great implementation of throwing in “RCMP” there at the end, too… very impressive

Move over Blake Griffin!!!

That’s funny… I’ve never seen a kitchen with a basketball hoop in it… you’ve gotta give it up to the dude commentating this shit thought, having to act excited and say things like “thats just hops”, “oooohhhh weeeee”, “that’s just talent”, and “two perfect dunks”… bravo brotha, pretty sure he probably just died a little inside

OK… maybe all we have to do is lower the hoop about 5 feet and I bet these chicks would be flying all over the place makin the men’s dunks look like child’s play

………..Ok nevermind, maybe someone should just round these girls up and herd them back into the kitchen… the one thing that doesn’t make sense to me is how there are so many people in the stands for this… it must have been a required school assembly

What was more impressive? The Women’s High School Dunk contest… or Women’s Motocross at the X-Games? lolwomenssports

unlimited uses for this thing… having chicks take FUPA “flask” stands from your dick… giving random people golden showers they’ll actually enjoy… making ppl think you’re drinking your own piss…

This is a must have for We Fest… no way I’m paying $7 a pop for a Mike’s Hard Lemonade when I can use this Freedom Flask to piss my drinks… genius…

Downside would be if you put beer in it that shit would be lukewarm in 15 minutes… but u shouldn’t be sneakin a single beer in anywhere in the first place so problem solved

Well, I never thought that would be the first sentence I typed this morning when I woke up… here’s the thing though about chicks when they’re fucked up… they’re way to damn emotional… like this chick starts off normal dancing all up on this tree, havin a good time, even stoppin to take a couple pics with her arm around its trunk… then as soon as the tree gets wood, shit takes a 180 turn when she probably notices it checkin out some of the other fine asses in that crowd and she is not havin it for a second… gives just a devastating slap across the trunk… then what do ya know its right back to making out… throw another tree in there and we got ourselves an old fashioned tree-some… I gotta say though its pretty depressing realizing that some oak tree is getting more pussy than me… LOL to when she starts going down on the thing at the end

PS I have the weirdest boner right now

and POWEERRRRrrrrrr

(Dailymail) A Belvedere Vodka advert went down less than smoothly than planned, leaving the company furiously back-peddling after it appeared to belittle the seriousness of sex attacks. The ad, which was shared on the brand’s official Twitter and Facebook feeds on Friday, pictures a terrified-looking woman lurching away from a grinning man, with the slogan ‘Unlike Some People Belvedere Always Goes Down Smoothly’ written across the bottom. An apology from the brand only made matters worse, with fans complaining it failed to address the apparent rape reference. Another wrote on Facebook: ‘Belvedere Vodka, your apology is insufficient as it does not accept responsibility for promoting rape-culture.’

March 23, 2012

Dear Mike,

First of all on behalf of men everywhere, congratulations on your successful pursuit of porn star Megan Piper.   While many of us have dreamed of dating such a multi-talent star, you actually took the risk and will hopefully be reaping the rewards of your efforts come prom night.

In celebration of your accomplishments and in an effort to make your evening as special as possible, we at Pornhub would like to not only pay for Ms. Piper’s LA to Oakdale flight on May 12thbut also provide limo service, dinner at one of the area’s top restaurants, and a suite at a Oakdale area hotel.  We will also provide you with an additional $500 cash for a tux, flowers and any additional “personal” items you might need.

Again, congratulations on your conquest and we look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best regards,

The Pornhub Team

This whole fiasco is starting to turn into something straight out of one of ESPN’s “My Wish” Foundation episodes… but instead of sending kids with life threatening diseases to spend a day with one of their favorite athletes… PornHub is flying a porn star out to Minnesota for a desperate fat kid who is hoping for some anal

but here is a question no one is asking… Is Megan Piper even 100% guaranteed to put out for Mikey on on Prom night? Like is it even a sure thing that he is going to be balls deep in this hoe when the clock stikes 12? … chick is basically getting a 2nd chance at her Prom and free publicity so she pretty must has to I think…. if PornHub was smart they would also turn this whole night into a movie like they did on “The Girl Next Door”

The Superintendent is still set on not having these two come the Prom th0ugh… old hag is the next Hitler if you ask me… I mean every high school chick basically turns into a glorified Porn Star on Prom night anyways… so I don’t see what the big deal is

Anyway that this shit turns out, Mike Stone is going down as a fucking legend… how jealous are his high school friends that they didn’t think up to ask a porn star to Prom? then again he probably doesn’t even have any friends which is why this all resulted in him asking a Porn Star in the first place

Best regards,

The Pornhub Team… LOL

PS if you could take any Porn Star you wanted to Prom, who would it be? I think I would have to go with Audrey Bitoni…

(Huffington Post) Look, up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane!

It’s an unmanned drone helicopter shooting a taco from space down at you and your colleagues during lunchtime!

The Internet is going wild for Tacocopter, perhaps the next great startup out of Silicon Valley, which boasts a business plan that combines four of the most prominent touchstones of modern America: tacos, helicopters, robots and laziness.

Indeed, the concept behind Tacocopter is very simple, and very American: You order tacos on your smartphone and also beam in your GPS location information. Your order — and your location — are transmitted to an unmanned drone helicopter (grounded, near the kitchen where the tacos are made), and the tacocopter is then sent out with your food to find you and deliver your tacos to wherever you’re standing.

You pay online, so the tacos are simply dropped off at your feet by the drone helicopter, which then flies back to the restaurant to pick up its next order.

Brilliant, right? You’re probably ready to order a sackful of fish tacos to be delivered to you by a semi-autonomous flying robot as we speak!

Well, put down your smartphones, because here comes some bad news: The launch of Tacocopter — which is totally real, by the way, despite some doubters, and has been around since July 2011 — is being blocked by the U.S. government.

This might be the most logical, brilliant and realistic business idea I have ever seen … I mean how many times have you been lying face-down in your bed, hungover as fuck not wanting to move an inch … just wishing and praying to the food Gods that somehow a delicious meal will fall from the heavens onto your lap … well pray no more people because the future is here … now all you lazy mother fuckers can just punch in your order into your smart phone and minutes later an unmaned fucking helicopter parachutes down your little aid package like your living in a third world country… all with you not even having to move a muscle … I literally cannot think of anything more “American” than having a “Taco button” on your smartphone…

The U.S. Government better figure their shit out… I will occupy anything and everything I have to in order to make “TacoCopter” a reality

Well as you assholes probably already know by now, I’ve been outta commission the past 2 days after gettin surgery to fix my broken schnoz… been doped up on painkillers so can’t really complain though… that’s also why I’ve been tweetin up a storm so just deal with it as I’m lyin in bed with nothin to do… but I had to get up outta bed and throw this on here real quick for ya… too classic not to

This is my new jam… god he makes one hell of a video… its become sort of Luke Bryan’s thing to put out an annual Spring Break LP… he’s gotta be right up there with Eric Church though right? … can’t fuckin wait to see both of them up at We Fest 2012… those two and Jason Aldean will probably be the only concerts I go to