Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaau. This should brighten your Monday. The person who came up with this gameshow idea knew exactly what he was doing. I have the weirdest boner right now. That last blonde at the end was an absolute smoke. The fuckin’ French man, they do gameshows right. We need a game like this in every college town bar in the U.S.
PS – I would pay thousands to be that tube they’re climbing across.
ello you
- Kinger
(Deadspin) By Drew Magary – Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers.
1. I hate you. We’ve gotten a great deal of angry feedback for these previews, all of it highly amusing. A lot of hate mail I get usually features the reader calling me gay and then saying, “You must be a BUTTHURT fan of [insert rival team of the reader here].” And that hasn’t been true, until now.
Now, we get to the Packers, and so I will begin this preview by telling you that I am a Vikings fan, and that I do have it in for your team because I fucking hate them, much more so than the Lions or Bears. I’m completely, horribly biased against you. This post comes from a place of genuine hostility, and I want you to know that in advance.
I loathe the Packers. I hate their fucking perfect little organization in their fucking perfect little town with their fucking perfect little stadium with every announcer telling me what a fucking perfect little place Green Bay is for football. Say the word “Packers” to John Madden and he’ll close his eyes and have a nine-minute soundless orgasm. It’s repulsive. Chris Berman still thinks doing his Facenda voice and saying “FROZEN TUNDRA” is funny. It’s not. It’s pathetic.
Packers fans are the Trekkies of the NFL. Fat. Slovenly. Unjustifiably arrogant. When you celebrate the Packers, you’re celebrating a group of people who never had the intellect or courage to leave Green Bay and actually go DO something with their lives. You’re celebrating the likes of Vince Lombardi, who was Nick Saban with bad teeth—a precursor to the modern, powermad, dumbfuck football coaches of today. You’re celebrating a group of people who lack the self-awareness to know just what it means to walk around with a cheese block on your head. Do you know how stupid that looks? Do you have ANY self-respect? I went to Milwaukee earlier this year and virtually every Milwaukee resident I met DESPISED the Packers fans from Green Bay, because they didn’t want their state represented by a group of fat disgusting mouthbreathing rednecks.
And yes, I am jealous. My team never wins jack shit, and somehow the football Gods smile upon THESE idiots? Ridiculous. The fact that Packers fans are allowed to be happy is proof that God doesn’t exist and that this universe is a cold, black, random place that cares little for the travails of mankind.
2. Learn to catch the ball, jackasses. I didn’t realize that the Packers imported all of their pass-catching skills from Seattle. Jermichael Finley’s hands are even worse than his first name. There’s no reason this team won’t go 15-1 again and then get its shit owned in the divisional round because dropherpes has infested the roster. All it takes is one bad Finley drop for the rest of this offense to follow suit. Perhaps you fellows should stop doing the Lambeau Leap. You’re getting sausage grease smeared all over you.
Remember: This team can’t run the ball at all, and the offensive line is worse than it was last year (center Scott Wells has been replaced with the empty husk of Jeff Saturday). Cedric Benson is here now to get 2.5 yards a carry and cause Aaron Rodgers to mutter “fuck it” under his breath by the end of the first quarter. The Packers’ entire game strategy is to pass 70 times and hope the other team plays defense just a hair more atrociously than they do. Speaking of which …
3. The defense is horrible. Peter King says they lead the league in ponytails. There’s nothing here to indicate that this defense will be any better than it was last year. Charles Woodson is another year older. Dom Capers still has the worst combover in sports. And A.J. Hawk should go back to his day job of being personal security guard to Lee Donowitz in True Romance. People like Cris Collinsworth excuse this defense all the time by saying stuff like: “Well, this offense is just so good! When your offense is this good, your defense has no choice but to surrender 700 yards a game!” Wrong. No. People love to overrate shitty defenses on teams with great offenses. It baffles me to no end.
4. Remember: One concussion is all it takes. All it takes is one rabid d-lineman to toss Saturday aside, grab Aaron Rodgers’s fragile little head, and plant it down into the Earth’s inner core. That’s all it takes for this team to become worthless. Rodgers will retreat into a world of shadow and fog, never again able to clear the cobwebs from his diseased mind. He’ll spend weeks and weeks on the PUP list, with people asking when he’ll come back, and only a handful of people will know the truth: that he’s NEVER coming back, and that the Packers are about to sink into a second, prolonged Infante Age. You fatties deserve it.
Fuck you Green Bay. Grow up.
Literally just watched this video on mute while sitting in my cube. No idea what the hell she was talking about in it, nor do I care. I wouldn’t be surprised if the director shooting this video told her to go up there and talk about whatever the fuck she wants, because no one will actually be paying attention to the words coming out of her mouth. Kate Upton cannot be from this planet. Good God, how does a girl get so sexy? She is doing this whole modeling thing the right way. I’m sorry but I’m not trying to look at a bunch of anorexic broads who are made up of skin and bones, I’m trying to see a girl with some curves like the lovely Ms. Upton. Kate Upton would be the ideal girlfriend if it weren’t for the fact that she loves to bang professional athletes and is currently banging the biggest ace in baseball since (my favorite pitcher of the 90′s/movie star *Little Big League) Randy Johnson, the Detroit Tigers’, Justin Verlander, that lucky bastard. If only I were 6′ 5″ and could throw the ball like Rick “The Wild Thing” Vaughn, I would be in there like swimwear. Unfortunately for me, I’m white, pushing 5′ 10″ and play hockey. Anywho, if this video doesn’t make you want to motorboat those T’s for days, you may want to reevaluate your sexual orientation. I would do terrible, potentially unforgiveable things, to hang with Kate Upton for a night. I feel any man and potentially many women in America, who are not complete liars feel similarily about this. Kate Upton, keep doing your thang, girls gotta eat!
PS- Girls, I understand Kate Upton is not a realistic person to compare yourself to, so please don’t. You just keep doing you. Luh you <3
- Swanny
(TMZ) U.S. Olympic track star Nick Symmonds just ran a mile in 5:19 … which isn’t very impressive … until you realize he chugged 4 BEERS along the way. Symmonds was gunning for the world record in something called the “Beer Mile” … which requires athletes to chug an entire “full-sized” brewski at the beginning of the race … and another full can of suds at every quarter-mile mark along the way. 28-year-old Symmonds — who finished 5th in the 800m race at the Olympics in London — was hoping to break the world record, 5:09, set by Canadian marathon legend Jim Finlayson.
(TMZ) Prince Harry put the crown jewels on display in Vegas this weekend … getting BARE ASS NAKED during a game of strip billiards with a room full of friends in his VIP suite.
It all went down Friday night during a raging party in a high rollers hotel suite.
We’re told Harry, along with a large entourage, went down to the hotel bar and met a bunch of hot chicks … and invited them up to his VIP suite. Once in the room, things got WILD … with the group playing a game of strip pool that quickly escalated into full-on royal nudity.
Some of the partiers snapped photos of the madness. In one photo, a fully nude Harry cups his genitals while a seemingly topless woman stands behind him. In another photo, a naked Harry is bear-hugging a woman who appears to be completely naked as well.
No word on who the women are … or if they got Harry’s phone number.A rep for the Royal Family tells us, “We have no comment to make on the photos at this time.”
First, he wears a Nazi SS uniform and gets shit for it, then he goes out on a bender in Vegas and blackouts waking up to his nudies all over the internet and people are just blowing this shit out of the water! Not only is he third in line for the throne, Prince Harry is gaining more publicity right now than anyone. I don’t know what the world is coming to when you cannot trust some rando you met in Vegas. I guess you really do find out who your friends are once alcohol and royalty are mixed in, huh Harry?… Welcome back to the states, you might as well just stay here since you’ve completely embarrassed your entire family and country for that matter. The kid just cannot catch a break; GINGERS CAN HAVE FUN, TOO! I never thought I would see the true definition of “family jewels” and I would like to thank you for that, Prince Harry. Hug it out? But in all seriousness, how rattled do you think the Queen is? That little old lady is bad ass and intimidating as hell. Even though she comes in at a staggering 5 foot 4, she’s not afraid of speaking her mind or showing her emotions and I respect that. She jumps out of helicopters with James Bond and Prince Harry parties hard in Vegas, talk about the best royal family ever.
The whole “What happens in Vegas” slogan has got to be 0 for 2948783756324 right now because although I have never had the honor of experiencing Vegas, I always hear of the craziest shit going down out there and I smell a lawsuit for false advertisement. Nothing ever stays there. Some things I hear about Vegas make me jealous; others make me want to thank my parents for my “sheltered” upbringing. I give Prince Harry and his entourage two thumbs up for their recent actions. Nothing says “we like to party” like a little strip pool in the VIP Penthouse after bars. My invite must have gotten lost in the mail… But, I wonder who won the race between Ryan Lochte and Prince Harry, (both in jeans) in a Vegas pool at 3 a.m.? I would put my money on royalty any day. Can you imagine if a fetus was conceived during this Vegas rager, talk about a Posh Ginger Sporty Scary Baby… yikes, I guess we will find out within the next couple weeks.
Random thought; is Prince Harry casting in Hangover 3 because I think that would be a clutch move on his behalf. He is now a total legend and I want to party with Prince Harry.
Leave it to Vegas to bring out ones’ true colors. Keep your head high Harry, or else your crown will fall.
- Jena
Disney could not have written a better script for what took place on the “Herb Brooks Rink” at the Schwann Super Rink in Blaine last night. The Burnsville Benders riding our #1 seed into the semi-final round of playoffs facing off against the #4 seed. Things were looking up, as always, until 2 hours before game time when our goalie (who will remain nameless and is now dead to us) lets us all know at 5:30PM that he won’t be able to make it to the 8PM game. Leaving us pretty much with an hour and a half to find a replacement for the biggest game of the season.
Unable to do so with such short notice, Danny “the brickwall” Hanson volunteers to strap up the pads for what would be forever known as ‘the greatest game ever played.’ It should go without saying, but a hockey tender has to be the most difficult position in all of sports to go out and play with absolutely zero experience. #1 you have an extra 20 lbs of pads strapped to your body, holding you down and #2 try facing 80mph slap shots for the first time and tell me you wouldn’t be a little intimidated #3 there is so much technique affiliated with the position that takes years to even pass as a legitimate goalie. This was DH’s moment and he took it by the horns and ran with it.
Fast forward to the 3rd period, 8 minutes left in the game. The Burnsville Benders are looking at their largest deficit of the season, down 6-2 and facing elimination, when a rebound is knocked home on a power play cutting the margin to 6-3. Minutes later, another garbage goal cuts the lead to 6-4. After trailing the whole game, the Burnsville Benders have new life. With about 4 minutes left in the game, we take a penalty and go short-handed. A minute into the penalty kill, we catch a break and counter their forecheck with a 3-2 of our own. Alex Jones brings the puck up along the boards, makes a solid cross-ice pass to yours truly, who then drops it back to the trailing Andy Pearson who absolutely snipes top-ched, glove side to pull within 1 with just minutes remaining. We can taste it.
I can’t even put into words how the tying goal was scored. With about 30 seconds left in the game. The puck was shot behind the net and ricocheted into the air behind the net. The goalie reached back over the net with his stick to try and bat the puck out the air, but instead ended up hitting the puck back towards him, which went off his back, and into the net. Game tied. 4 goal deficit erased.
The game winner was scored by Cullen Rowley on another garbage, rebound goal not even a minute into O.T. to cap off the greatest comeback of all time and send the Burnsville Benders to play for our first championship in franchise history. Walking back to the locker room, I literally found myself looking out for reporters to talk to about the glory that had just unfolded on the ice moments ago.
Championship game will be Tuesday, August 28th at 7:40PM at the Schwann Super Rink in Blaine on Rink 1. We are expecting an over-capacity crowd to be on hand with multiple local news outlets there to document the history about to take place, so get there early to guarantee yourself a good spot.
Also, all of our fans are invited to join the Benders after the game in the parking lot for some celebratory beers as we swap tales of the magical season.
Oh and Pucking Sports’ own, Jake Swansson, will be filling in between the pipes for the championship game. So look for that.
- Kinger
“Great moments are born from great opportunities.” – Herb
(Daily Mail) A well-meaning octogenarian has stunned art experts after taking it upon herself to restore a treasured century-old fresco – with distinctly amateurish results. Elias Garcia Martinez’s depiction of Jesus has held pride of place in a Spanish church for more than 120 years. But over the past 18 months moisture in the church caused the fresco to deteriorate – prompting a local woman in her 80s to whip out her paintbrush and try and fix it herself. The elderly woman did not consult the Sanctuary of Mercy Church in Zaragoza before she set about transforming the once beautiful depiction of Christ into something that now resembles a character from Planet of the Apes. The church is always open to the public and the woman had completed her botched restoration job before anyone noticed what she was doing.
Now if you look really closely, you can actually see where the restorations were made. However, I think it might even be better than the original. You really have to appreciate the attention to detail that was displayed here. Absolutely flawless. Don’t really understand what everyone is so mad about. The church just saved a couple thousand by not getting it done professionally and basically had the painting restored identically back the the original (if not better) for free. It’s a win-win for all. Love the attitude lady. When something needs to be done, you do it. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience with the subject and are ruining a treasured piece of artwork for an entire community. For all we know, this could actually be closer to what Jesus looked like.
But in all honesty, what the fuck was going through this lady’s head while she was painting this. You think she was thinking the whole time “Wow, everyone is going to be so happy and impressed with this. Shit, this is going even better than I thought it would. God damn, I am a great artist.”
Chicks.
- Kinger
20 Bucks says Ryan Lochte turns out to have such an uncontrollable craving for the cock that only a sport where men wear nothing but tight speedos has been able to tame. Girls everywhere have jumped on the Bro Lochte wagon just like they did the Phelps train but this douche nugget is not selling me. He has over 130 pairs of shoes, he’d like to be a fashion designer, he’s making a cameo appearance on 90210 and he wants to be on the Bachelor. Picture bringing a guy home for the first time and having to say those words to your parents. The only way that show could ever be entertaining with Lochte as the Bachelor would be if they throw in a few guys and a few girls on there for him to pick from, just to fuck with his head and see him get all confused. But the toughest challenge will be whether or not they’ll actually be able to find anyone that is dumber than he is.
- Giselle
A note from Kinger:
Apparently Lochte and Prince Harry had a 3am swim session the other night in Vegas. Probably consisted of Lochte pissing all over Harry while teaching him, hands on of course, the proper form of the backstroke. I think it’s only a matter of time before we find out their rendezvous carried on even later into the night. Everything about him just screams douchebag. I swear some people out there are literally just begging to get made fun of. Like it wouldn’t surprise me if he woke up every morning, looked at himself in the mirror with a big, stupid fucking grin and said, “how can I annoy the fuck out of people today?” Well whatever it is Ryan, it’s working.
- Kinger
(Star Tribune) The head football coach at Minnesota State University Mankato was jailed Tuesday afternoon and accused of being involved in child pornography, and a temporary replacement is running the team.
Todd Hoffner, 46, of Eagle Lake, was arrested at his home pending a court appearance and being held on suspicion of “use of minors in a sexual performance” and possessing child pornography, according to the Blue Earth County Sheriff’s Office.
The Sheriff’s Office said it received information Monday about Hoffner allegedly possessing pornography. His home was searched Tuesday, and the coach was then taken into custody.
Officials with the Mavericks’ Athletic Department and the university’s administrative offices have yet to address the accusation except to say that Hoffner was put on leave.
The Mankato Free Press is reporting that Hoffner was escorted from the practice field Friday.
Assistant Coach Aaron Keen has taken over the Division II team in Hoffner’s absence.
“The whole situation comes as a shock and is still a shock,” Keen said.
Hoffner is married and has three children.
Seriously dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?? Were you living under a rock the past six months when Jerry “The Tickle Monster” Sandusky got caught raping young children, or were you too busy fondling little kids to notice what was going on? I don’t understand what can go through these coaches heads that makes them think it’s okay to look at child pornography and even worse perform sexual acts on these innocent kids. These stories sicken me and makes me question mankind as a whole and just what the fuck is happening in this world we live in. My understanding is that these are just “allegations” as of right now, but I would go ahead and assume this dude is a sexual predator. These football coach stories are making them look like the modern-day Priests when it comes to child sexual scandals, both of which absolutely disgust me. If this guy is guilty, he will be rotting in a jail cell for the rest of his time on earth, before serving an eternity in Hell. And I honestly don’t even feel like that is punishment enough. I have no remorse for fucks like these and hope all the worst things in life happen to them and them alone. By the way this guy is married with three kids. How could you do that to your family, bro? Don’t worry, you will have plenty of time to think about it while you’re getting ass-pounded by Minnesota’s toughest convicts for next couple decades. Nighty night, keep your butthole tight.
-Swanny
Holy shit, I can honestly say I got a half-chub at least 4 times while watching this. If you don’t love awesome sports plays, chances are I don’t like you. How can you watch this and not think back to the first time you saw it live? Chances are your reaction went down in an orderly fashion similar to this: 1) Jump up out seat with stupid look on your face. 2) Take a deep breath, open eyes up as wide as possible (so it appears that you just ingested some crazy ass drugs), then begin rage. 3) Start pushing everyone and anyone in the room with you, for no apparent reason. 4) Run around the room you are in, like you’re trying to get away from a bad fart, proceed to jump up and down in place. 5) Complete steps 1-4 while screaming complete and utter gibberish, all while allowing your voice to become as high pitched as possible (anyone passing by may think there is a murder of several young females taking place inside the house). 6) Repeat steps 1-5 for the following 10 replays. By the way that six step process is only relevant for men. Women, you were likely watching some dumb fucking show like the bachelorette or teen mom while these iconic, hall of fame worthy, world changing athletic achievements took place. These plays are why I fucking love sports.
These chudd’s reaction pretty much sums up what I was getting at:
PS- Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali and Tiger Woods are in a world of their own.
PPS- The 1980 “Miracle” hockey team is in a Universe of their own.
-Swanny
(ABC News) The negative effects of binge drinking are well-known, which makes the findings of new research released today linking binge drinking and reported happiness in college students troubling to many health experts.
The survey of 1,595 undergraduate students revealed binge drinking students report being happier than their non-binge drinking peers. The results were released this morning at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association in Denver.
Specifically, the survey revealed that happiness was directly related to “status” — with wealthy, white, male, heterosexual and/or Greek-affiliated students being happier than “lower status” students.
However, in “lower status” students — in other words, less wealthy, female, non-white, homosexual, and/or non-Greek affiliated students — those who binge drink report levels of social satisfaction that are comparable to their high status counterparts.
Binge drinking is defined as consuming more than four drinks per session for females and consuming more than five drinks per session for males.
“Binge drinking is a symbolic proxy for higher social status in college and is correspondingly related to greater social satisfaction,” writes Carolyn Hsu, lead author on the study and chair of Sociology and Anthropology at Colgate University.
In other words, binge drinking to “fit in” may actually lead to increased happiness — a phenomenon that does not appear to have gone unnoticed by the alcohol industry.
“Binge drinking may also be a prerequisite for receiving the full benefits of high status group membership,” writes study author Hsu.
The association between binge drinking and social happiness among both high- and low-status students is a link that doctors find treacherous.
Well this didn’t really come as a shocker, but it’s always nice to have your personal wellbeing be backed up by scientific evidence. I also like how they just had to throw in the definition of binge drinking being different for males VS females (although I personally think there should have been a much larger difference in the number of drinks. Say three drinks to seven drinks.) Anyways, I’d say it’s definitely a love-hate relationship. Alcohol is the problem, and solution to, all of life’s problems. Especially in college. It’s easy to be happy when you have no moral boundaries, which seem to disappear with every passing shot. I’ve been finding more often than not that I agree to do certain shit not because I want to, but just so that I can say that I’ve done it, and so that I’m not called a ‘pussy’ by my friends.
I literally had a friend sit down about a month ago and tell me face-to-face that he was worried about me. Worried because I wasn’t drinking as much as I used to. He thought there might be something wrong because I wasn’t spending every waking minute of my free time with a beer in my hand. My full-time job was cutting into my precious drinking time, and he just couldn’t stand to see me what way. And ya know what? He was right. I lost sight for a little bit of what was truly important in life. I also got a taste of the real world and it fucking sucked. If you ask me, that right there is the definition of a true friend. Ever since that conversation, my internship has ended and I was thankfully able to pull myself together. But I fear that others might not be so lucky. I got one more year of college left and I intend to leave everything out on the field. Remember, these precious four (or five) years are considered by most to be the best years of your life. I can’t think of a better way to go out than creating as many of those memories I won’t even remember with those friends I’ll never forget.
Bring it.
- Kinger
50 Shades of Grey is 50 shades of retarded. There’s no point in my explaining the plot to you because I will make it seem way more interesting than it actually is. I was pumped to read this book because of the thousands of girls obsessing over it, but then I remembered that these are the same girls that creamed their pants over Twilight. Guys, all you need to learn from this book is that confidence will get you farther than you are now, and if your girlfriend is talking about “Christian Grey” like he’s a real human being, it’s time to get a new girlfriend. Girls, what you need to acknowledge is:
1. If you weren’t appalled by how terribly this novel was written, you need to reevaluate your entire education and place in this world
2. You’re fantasizing about getting beaten up by a billionaire, yet you’re the same girls who won’t shut up about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna
3. If this book was the highest point of your sexual endeavors, you need to quit your life-long anti-pornography campaign and invest in some alone time with youjizz.com
4. You know there’s no possible way someone is biting their lip that often
Not only does this novel use the word ‘murmur’ over 100 times and take literary advancements 10 giant steps back, the main character happens to be a whiney, obnoxious, clingy douche who uses words like ‘vanilla sex’ and ‘kinky fuckery’. I could go further into analyzing why the plot, writing style and underlying philosophy of this book were terrible, but as I said earlier, there’s no point.
Nonetheless, if anyone ever hears someone using the words “Laters, Baby” in real life context, for the sake of Western civilization, don’t hesitate to punch them in the throat.
- Giselle
So I just changed my mind and came up with what I think is a pretty cool idea. And since I came up with you know it definitely is. Instead of just giving Jena her 2 week “trial period,” I thought I would open it up to anyone that wants a shot.
Send in a couple blog samples in the same style that I use. (For some reason I’ve been getting a bunch of people sending me like fuckin college essays on random shit like I’m your English professor. Don’t even waste my time) You can write about pretty much anything though that you think the average, college aged kid would want to read while they are wasting their time on the internet. YouTube videos, news articles, whatever the fuck you want. Impress me.
I will put it on here if I think it’s worth it. If not, I won’t. No shame in trying. I haven’t decided yet how long the open trial period will be. More details to come as I think of them. Just kind of making things up as we go.
Send your shitty writing to PuckingSports@yahoo.com
Your faithful leader,
- Kinger
FEENY, FE HE HE HE HE HENY!
Was anybody else surprised to see him still alive? First thing I did after watching this was to Google “Olivia Munn tits” to make sure the goods were safe and sound. A search that produced comforting results… whew
P.S. “What happened to the tits?” is a question I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy
- Kinger
Dear Cary,
I don’t know what to do. I am happily married and pregnant with our first child. It’s been an easy pregnancy, and my husband is overjoyed, involved, and supportive. But there’s something between us that I just can’t shake and that time doesn’t seem to be healing.
Two days after I found out I was pregnant, he left for a long “bachelor’s weekend” (whatever happened to a simple party?) in Mexico. I wasn’t happy about it at all, as the groom and his friends are all douchey fratboy types, and I knew that their idea of “fun” might include activities that I was uncomfortable with.
But I also knew that it would have been unreasonable for him not to go – he had already paid for everything and one of our dear mutual friends, who is both gay and decidedly not a douche, would be there with him. I also trusted him because I knew how thrilled he was about becoming a father, and so I just quietly hoped that the weekend would consist largely of sitting around on the beach and drinking.
Well, I wouldn’t be writing you if that’s what had happened.
Though he called me every day to check in and reassured me that “nothing too crazy” was going on, I later found out that instead of sitting on the beach drinking, they had been going to parties so that the single members of the group could meet women, and on one occasion they went to a strip club. I get that in some cultures that’s a normal thing to do, but in my book, it’s stupid and offensive. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a prude. I’m fine with porn and I get that female bodies are nice to look at.
But if you’re in a committed relationship (married, say, or about to become so), then paying for real live women to take their clothes off and pretend to be sexually interested in you is tantamount to cheating. I just can’t imagine a reverse situation in which a man would feel fine with his woman being touched and sexually titillated by a bunch of nude men.
Not to mention the fact that a strip club in Mexico, a nation recently overrun with criminal organizations that do a healthy trade in human trafficking, is more than likely exploiting some or all of its female employees. Though my husband insists all he did was sit at the bar with a gay [male] friend and drink his minimum, I’m disgusted that he even supported the place with his cover fee.
My personal politics aside, though, it just hurts me to know that hours after we spoke on the phone, me leaving my second doctor’s visit feeling kind of sad and overwhelmed, him on the beach with a beer, he went to this place knowing full well how I would feel about it.
Maybe he was drunk at the time and didn’t really stop to consider how I would feel about it if I knew. But he certainly learned when he returned home and I coaxed the details out of him. I screamed, I cried. I may have even hit him when he tried to touch me. My rage was no doubt buoyed somewhat by new pregnancy hormones, but the pain was very real. After a while we spoke calmly, and he explained how awkward it would have been for him to sit in the parking lot while the rest of the group went inside, and how harmless sitting at the bar was, and how he doesn’t even like strip clubs to begin with.
Over time, I willed myself to not think about it. Unfortunately, there are reminders everywhere: specifically, his friends. They maintain a group text from their trip in which they exchange bawdy jokes and the occasional reference to the stripper who performed a lap dance for the groom. I have to see them socially from time to time and pretend not to hate and disrespect them.
God or Cary help me, I just can’t stop feeling horrible. It’s been six months, and while I’m not dwelling on it constantly anymore, I become ill for hours (if not days) every time it comes up.
About two hours ago, out of the blue, the scene popped into my head again. I tried to think of something else, but instead I felt anger and sadness overwhelm me physically and my mind began to race. (Incidentally, if you ever want to feel really bad about feeling bad, try doing it when you have a child growing inside of you.) I’m still trapped by this feeling and these thoughts, and I’m so sick of it.
I love my husband dearly — that’s probably why I felt so betrayed. And I can’t stand that, at random, I will lose a few hours of my life to hating him over this one mistake. In the scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter, right? He didn’t cheat on me, he wasn’t the ringleader of this band of morons, and he called me twice every day to check in on me while he was away.
I’ve Googled “letting go of anger” and tried to apply what I’ve read. Nothing seems to be working. Please don’t tell me it’s just hormonal. I’ve had a few silly emotional moments, but for the most part I’m sane.
At least, I think I am. Why can’t I truly forgive him and move past this? Please help. It feels so horrible to have this Jekyll-and-Hyde dynamic governing my love.
- Carrying More Than a Baby
I don’t even know where to begin with this crack pot. This chick should have one goal for the rest of her married life; to do anything possible to make sure that her husband never finds out about her writing this letter. Never have I seen someone so out of touch with the norms of society. Let me start out by saying that just the mere fact that he called you every single day while on a bachelor party trip in Mexico is something that should warrant a husband of the year award. Do you know how much shit he had to put up with from his buddies every single day for taking an hour to sit down and call you and tell you every little detail about a trip which sole purpose is to get away from the wives and girlfriends back home for just a couple days?
It comes down to this. It’s not like this guy is hitting the titty bar every other weekend with his friends. Bachelor parties are a sacred rights of passage for a man. He went to a strip club once because he has single friends and was on a bachelor party in Mexico. Shit, I’m about to be a college senior and I’ve only been to a strip club once in my entire life. And it was on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. And the only reason I went was because I was on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Yeah I may have felt like a scumbag in there, but that’s beside the point. We are men. Having bachelor parties at strip clubs in Mexico is just what we do. It’s how we are programmed. The only time you should worry is if your husband doesn’t go to a strip club with his friends while on a bachelor party in Mexico. Then there might be a problem.
But the part that really stuck out to me and that pushes this lunatic over the edge into LaLa-Land was the part where she admits she actually googled “letting go of anger.” Is that something all chicks do? I couldn’t believe it. Stopped me right in my tracks and I had to read it over again. And the best part is she goes on and tries to tell us that she’s sane after that. Good joke lady. Google has better things to do than answer your stupid emotional questions. Maybe next time you should google, “How not to be a psycho wife”
But like I said, if I were you, I would do everything in my power to make sure your husband never sees this letter. Cause if he does, have fun raising that kid on your own. Cause that were me, I’d be halfway across the country by now.
- Kinger
PS – The easiest way to tell a psycho girlfriend is if she goes through your texts. I don’t give a hell who you’re texting, so don’t even ask to look through mine. What ever happened to personal boundaries.
A note from Kinger – This is the first post from Jena, the first female writer I’ve decided to give a chance to write for the site. I told her I’d give her a 2 week trial to see what she can bring to the table. Let me know how she does.
Oh to joy, Fifty Shades of Grey is still sweeping the nation. I would like to take this time to give a personal review/recap of what every vagina is talking about and what every penis has to live up to. Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed have been distributed, read, and put to good use by imaginations from coast to coast. I cannot begin to explain what this trilogy has done for me over the past couple months, but I can tell you that they have NOT helped in lowering my standards in men. My “inner goddess” wants more, way more. Growing up I was given the G-Rated version of Fifty Shades of Grey through the Disney classic, Cinderella. Low life Cinderella (Ana) finds the love of her life, the Prince (Christian Grey). Bing, bang, boom…that’s how babies are made! Currently neck n neck with Noah from The Notebook, Grey is successful, attractive, witty, and obviously a triple threat. God damn, I have lady wood just thinking about him. Christian Grey is just another imaginary character I cannot help but get a little obsessy over, and I know I have millions of others to back me up on this one. If this man were real, I would become the infamous STAGE FIVE CLINGER and I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. I’m not going to beat around the bush here, if Anastasia were to walk into Slims next week I would be THROWING daggers with my eyes. Granted, I would never get physical, but I’d kill that bitch with my words… just saying. Obviously, Anastasia has surpassed my jealousy for Kate Middleton by a long shot. Bravo Ana, bravo! Even the 76 year old lady who sells pull tabs at my bar is gaining a new definition of “sexual healing.” All I’ve got to say is that the baby boomers are about to get a swift kick to the noggin, and all of Christian’s “fifty shades of fucked up” are to blame. Talk about a panty dropper.
Oh and boys, when she’s about to climax from your sub-par performance, just know that Christian is the name she wants to belt out… not yours! Sorry, bro.
Christian Grey 1, Entire male population 0.
Laters, baby
- Jena
(CBS) Hailed by Rolling Stone as “the summer’s final truly great jam,” Hot Cheetos & Takis has taken the web by storm this week, earning hundreds of thousands of YouTube views in a matter of days. After watching the video (seven times in a row), it’s not hard to understand why the catchy jam is getting so much attention. The song is as addictive as the kids who perform it are cute, and the story behind it is even better. Both the song and video were produced as part of the Beats And Rhymes after-school program at the North Community YMCA in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Banger.
Is there a more classic move than making your dog lick your cheeto fingers and then wiping them on him? Flamin’ hot cheetos might be one of the greatest snacks ever made.
- Kinger
So this goes without saying, but this chick’s parents are definitely in the discussion for being given the prestigious title of “Parents of the Year.” I mean who wouldn’t be proud to showcase their daughter via youtube, with all their closest friends, of her getting a solid butthole tat?? Not to mention, she doesn’t have only one, but two guys names scripted on her rectum for life. Awesome. I wonder if when she’s 50 years old, or whenever she comes down from that bath salt high, she will ask herself, “Holy shit, why the fuck did I get those two dude’s names tatted on my butthole and proceed to have the video of it broadcast all over the internet?” Personally, I feel bad for the dude that had to give this tattoo. I mean you go to work thinking maybe you’ll whip out a couple tribal bands on some meatheads, hell maybe even some cheesy sayings that supposedly have deep meaning wouldn’t be so bad. Nope. Instead you get this absolute wreck walking into your shop and the next thing you know you’re eye-to-eye staring down this chick’s bunghole; which has been tainted by God knows what. Talk about a rough day at the office. In the words of Workaholics, very loose butthole lady. 22, DEUCE DEUCES!!
-Swanny
(Daily Mail) Her romance with Conor Kennedy is still brand new, but when it comes to love Taylor Swift has never been one to take things slowly. And now the two could be neighbours, with the country singer reported to have purchased an oceanfront mansion neighbouring the Kennedy family compound in Massachusetts. Taylor spent an idyllic vacation in Cape Cod with her boyfriend and his family earlier this month, and returned there for a second time this weekend.She was so taken with the area that she went househunting. And with her fortune to spend the pretty 22-year-old soon found the perfect holiday home – a seven bedroom Colonial style mansion. The house overlooks Nantucket Sound and features a private beach and a separate guest house.
Taylor Swift is officially a psycho when it comes to her boyfriends. A couple weeks ago the tabloids first started reporting that “country” superstar, Taylor Swift, began dating 18 year old, Connor Kennedy. Okay, you may be asking yourself, “How the fuck does as an 18 year old wheel a pretty attractive, talented, 22 year old multi-gazillionaire??” Answer: The kid is obviously hung to the knees; or Taylor just figures this Kennedy, like the rest, will get killed in some Final Destination-esque type of scenario. That way she will then be able to write an album about how butthurt she is and sell somewhere around 100 million copies. Either way, if I was this Kennedy kid’s parents first off, I would be extremely wealthy and know who the real murderer of my relative was, but more so, I would be slightly concerned about this broad. I mean celeb or not, who just up and buys a $5 million dollar house next to your 18 year old boyfriend’s parent’s mansion after 2 weeks? Taylor Swift is without a doubt one of the biggest stars in the game right now, but Got Damn, she is like a stage 1000 clinger. Taylor, my advice to you is to take a chill pill before you scare away another bro, orrr you just give me a call and we can live happily ever after, your choice.
- Swanny
PS – Your new song is fucking terrible. I honestly thought it was Avril Lavigne trying to make some atrocious comeback. Go back to the shit you were putting out like 4 years ago, thanks.
(The Smoking Gun) Meet Aaron Morris. The 18-year-old Floridian is sitting in a Broward County jail cell due to poor impulse control. Specifically, Morris is accused of groping a woman’s buttocks outside a dressing room at a Walmart in North Lauderdale. The teenager, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, was arrested shortly after the incident Thursday evening. During questioning by law enforcement, Morris copped to grabbing the victim’s rear end and provided an explanation, of sorts, for his behavior, according to a sheriff’s report. “Her booty looked so good,” he noted, “I just couldn’t resist touching it.” Locked up in lieu of $1000 bail, Morris has been charged with touch or strike/battery, a misdemeanor.
Aaron Morris is a true visionary. In my mind, Aaron Morris is a modern day Rosa Parks. Taking it upon himself to take a stand for men everywhere. He has a dream for this world. The same dream all men share. A world where it is okay to reach out and grab a booty that looks so good you just can’t resist touching. Let’s each take this moment to make ourselves a pledge that we will go out there and live our lives in Aaron’s honor. We need to tear down the constraints of society that say it is not socially acceptable to be able to grab fat booties that are just begging to be grabbed. I can’t think of a better compliment to give someone than to walk by and give their booty a little jiggle. Just a small gesture that tells you sincerely how much we appreciate you and your booty. That’s truly one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.
-Kinger
