Pucking Sports

50 Shades of Grey is 50 shades of retarded. There’s no point in my explaining the plot to you because I will make it seem way more interesting than it actually is. I was pumped to read this book because of the thousands of girls obsessing over it, but then I remembered that these are the same girls that creamed their pants over Twilight. Guys, all you need to learn from this book is that confidence will get you farther than you are now, and if your girlfriend is talking about “Christian Grey” like he’s a real human being, it’s time to get a new girlfriend. Girls, what you need to acknowledge is: 

1. If you weren’t appalled by how terribly this novel was written, you need to reevaluate your entire education and place in this world
2. You’re fantasizing about getting beaten up by a billionaire, yet you’re the same girls who won’t shut up about Chris Brown beating up Rihanna
3. If this book was the highest point of your sexual endeavors, you need to quit your life-long anti-pornography campaign and invest in some alone time with youjizz.com
4. You know there’s no possible way someone is biting their lip that often

Not only does this novel use the word ‘murmur’ over 100 times and take literary advancements 10 giant steps back, the main character happens to be a whiney, obnoxious, clingy douche who uses words like ‘vanilla sex’ and ‘kinky fuckery’. I could go further into analyzing why the plot, writing style and underlying philosophy of this book were terrible, but as I said earlier, there’s no point. 

Nonetheless, if anyone ever hears someone using the words “Laters, Baby” in real life context, for the sake of Western civilization, don’t hesitate to punch them in the throat.

- Giselle